Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
