omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
