i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize