Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
