I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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