It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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