i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Randomize