Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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