If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
