I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
