WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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