I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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