I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
