i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
