Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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