cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
