i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
