Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
