She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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