Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He passed out mid-signature
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
