He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
