I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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