I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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