I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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