I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
