he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
