His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
