Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
