Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
