I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
