Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
