So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize