The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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