Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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