she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
