new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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