she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
