guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
