You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Enjoy the penises
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
