remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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