she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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