I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
