Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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