just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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