Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
