we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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