my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
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