I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
