I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
