Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
