can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
