Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
