Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
