I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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