It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
