I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
