I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
