If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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