Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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