i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize