his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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