Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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