final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
